i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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