So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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