Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
