The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
