New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
