The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
