i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
