The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
the raccoons are back...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
