I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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