Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
