my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't turn off my feet"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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