with your own penis?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
