i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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