I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
