I am puke
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
