Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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