I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
