who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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