I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
