would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
