I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
