she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
