Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
