Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
