i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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