...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
