I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she pinky promised me she was 18
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
