Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
