Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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