The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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