the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A+ Viking dick
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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