Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
