I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Found the puke drawer
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
