Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
