Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
