i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
