and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
