if i died would you start the facebook group?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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