If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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