those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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