i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
