I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
