Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
