I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
