dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
