I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
