Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
