She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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