i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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