Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
BRING THE BAGELS
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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