I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
